I wrestled with my first true parenting demon today. Anger.
My daughter brought us home from church at 10:30 due to her excessive crying. I’m sure everyone else understood (it’s a family service so that sort of thing is common) but I couldn’t handle it. She sleeps like a log for 3 hours and wakes up at 1.00. At 3:00 she starts crying again. I’m in the middle of scanning pictures into my computer – something I told my mom I would do in NOVEMBER. So I’m stressed out and she is inconsolable. I try nursing her. I try lying down with her. I look for those long blinks that signal she’s tired. She keeps on screaming.
I scream right back at her.
oh my gosh. Did I just do that. did I just scream at my beautiful wonderful baby girl. no. i didn’t. yes. i did. i’m horrible. i’m terrible. why would I scream at someone. anyone. much less someone who was only screaming to communicate.
I don’t know. The only answer I have for this question is because I did. I’m tired and trying my hardest not to keep falling down this slippery slope of depression. My wonderful husband is doing all he can for me and I just worry that I am going to let him down. I know that he is worried about me. Just as I know I told him I would let him know if I needed help. And I felt that I was getting better. Now I don’t know.
I put her in her cosleeper and walked away and called my mom. Mom suggested I take a bath with her so her and I hop in the shower and it’s magical. She stops crying. I wonder in the miracle of this person that I held in my body for 8 full months and am filled with joy. I turn off the water and the crying starts again. But I am prepared this time. Now we go and lie in the big bed (our bed) and comfort ourselves by nursing. We look into each others eyes and slowly I begin to see the long blinks that are a signal of her need for sleep. I see her blink her eyes open and struggle to stay awake and I tell her I love her and stroke her soft cheek. And slowly she unlatches and pillows her head on my breast.
She is asleep